Here I am, still. The Monk arrives day after tomorrow and then time will speed up and before I know it, I will be back home, wiping Sir Chips Ahoy’s butt. I feel like I’ve been here exactly as long as I’ve been here, almost three months. I am acclimated. 84 degrees now seems on the chilly side.
I feel like I am supposed to be doing something here. Not just sitting with her in the afternoon watching cooking and travel shows and making her tea in the late evenings and taking her to her doctor appointments. I feel like I’m supposed to “wrap things up”, conclude and resolve and make right all wrongs. Express my innermost self and listen to confessions, admissions, lessons. It’s not like that at all. It’s quiet and I am on almost constant orange alert, exasperated with myself mostly for these auto pilot feelings. They are upon me before thought, they erupt like little volcanoes. Thankfully I do not allow them to flow freely, diverting the flow instead into a reservoir where I can study them later and then release them. What does it matter if I understand why or where as long as I can just let it all go. In the end none of it really matters. What she did, what I did, what she said etc. Is there any real gain in getting it all sorted out and understood? Will anything be different? I don’t know. Some relationships are meant to be worked on and out and through to a deep place and others, just aren’t. Though I believe we are here for the purpose of connecting with one another, I don’t think it’s possible to do so with everyone. There are degrees. Levels. Depth isn’t always possible for whatever reason and it can feel like a failure. But it isn’t. These are things I am examining in between rain storms and swimming, reading and cooking and eating and watching way too much TV. I long to be home. I long to have this life figured out enough to maneuver my way through with some semblance of grace and gratitude. I long for a greasy BLT.
There is something afoot in the apt complex laundry room. There have been no less than three notices about “activities” and measures taken to put a stop to them. Locks were installed but broom handles and bricks were used to prevent the locking. Another notice this morning warns that stronger measures are being taken. Cameras will now be installed. They’re watching you, whoever you laundry room marauders are.
Shots from this afternoon….