looking out the back doors…

It’s been pretty freakin’ awesome.
this place is remote, beautiful, comfortable and I’m learning how to just sit. I don’t ever do that. I’ve always got something for my hands to do, always doing. Just being is new to me. 
It’s only been two nights and I’ve moved camp a few times already, nothing major, a few feet, just adjusting for sun and shade, trying to find my perfect spot and today I tore the inside of the van apart and re-arranged everything after visiting a fellow nomad and being inspired by his rig. Okay, so I’m NOT just sitting all the time! The other nomads are an eclectic bunch of very nice people from all over the country.  We get together for morning and evening walks but mostly everyone is doing their own thing. My internet connection is good but I still don’t have a way to charge my notebook and it’s slowly losing power and the pad crashes even when you sweet talk it and treat it right. It’s old and a little grumpy, like it’s owner. I will have to take a trip into town to dump trash and get water, maybe tomorrow or Saturday. 
Namaste everybody.

everything i do gonna be kinda funky, from now on…

was the first song that played on the radio on my way across the desert yesterday.

it’s a long hot drive. like one really long hot flash.
I pulled over and slept in a parking lot when I got tired and in the morning drove a few miles and was suddenly in Nevada. wtw? Laughlin Nevada, a smaller gentler Las Vegas. 
Because I didn’t want to pull out my coleman stove and start my oatmeal and make my coffee in that parking lot, I decided Starbucks had to be around somewhere, hence my little detour into Nevada.
I had to walk through the Golden Nugget casino to get there and at 7 am, there weren’t many of us around. I don’t know if it was my chic older woman needing a morning latte look that alerted the casino employee or if he took one look at the crumpled bleary eye old hippie and knew instantly where he needed to direct me. Bless his heart.
After that it was just another endless drive through the desert again to Flagstaff where I am now at the safeway, stocking up on supplies before I head out to the Nomad camp where I hope to learn how to do this boondocking thing in style. 
Among the many things I hope to learn is how to get on the internet out in the middle of nowhere.
Keep your fingers crossed.

Fathers and Sons and Grandsons

Happy Fathers Day 
to the two sweet and loving Fathers that live in this house.
These last two days the little boy in this house has invited me to lay in the hammock with him. We lay in there snuggled against each other and look up into the blazing red leaves of the maple tree and he has a lot to say about that! We gaze out at all the butterflies and bees visiting the lavender and lamb’s ear and the bubbles floating from across the street up into the clear blue sky. We talk about that too. We laugh at the rooster who doesn’t realize the sun has been up for hours dude! He laughs at me imitating the rooster and the jays and he holds my hand and sometimes he signs (yes, he signs!) that he’s pooped and I know it’s not true because he’s not wearing a diaper and I would definitely know if it were true. 
I can’t even breath when I think about how much I’ll miss him.
Packing is almost finished, I’ll be off in the morning if all goes as planned.

Doing My Happy Dance

I’ve spent the last few days arranging and re-arranging  the Dragon aka The Ommobile. I think I’ve pared down as much as I can. For now. Everything has it’s place all within easy reach.  I am ready except I have a couple more babysitting days and one Father’s Day to go before take off.  I can spend the rest of today playing with Monsieur Chips.

I’m fixing to break out of this cage soon.

I’ve been outfitting the Dragon slowly by slowly, day by day. I even slept in it one night to test out the new to me mattress. My first trip, from Florida was pretty hit or miss. I had a terrible sleeping pad that made my hips ache and all my stuff was higgledy piggledy packed and stashed. It was a good learning trip, as this one I’m planning now will certainly be but with more stuff.
I have spent alot of time thinking about what I’ll need and/or want but it’s hard to know. I know about the really need stuff like food and clothes but the rest of it….

I don’t know what it will feel like to not have anything to do or anyone to care for. I don’t remember what that feels like.
The plan is to leave on Monday and head east.

to be continued…

ps image is from humansofnewyork.com

Scary Badasses and A Sweet Cacophony

looking at my last post I realize that some may have confused the demon reference. In Buddhism the demons destroy negativity and ignorance. they remove obstacles that can block spiritual realizations. Some demons are good! You want them around to do battle for you. These scary badasses are your protectors.

I need these guys. Full time lately.

The wind is still blowing. Some days worse than others. Early mornings are still. Or so I’ve heard, I am not conscious then.  I stay in bed and stare out the window for a good long while, listening to those doves and the roosters and the cows and turkeys and the chimes. A sweet cacophony.

i am summoning all demons today to ride in on this crazy fucking wind that’s blowing and crush, demolish, devour and burn all the bad thoughts and feelings away. 
it’s like that.
 i walked this morning, before the wind, and i did yoga. these good things did happen. i am taking notes and pinning them to the insides of my eyelids so I can remember about these good things. 
little man is down with a cold. not down exactly but unhappy and a drippy mess.

i’m going to make some chocolate chip cookies and study my auto repair book. i want to know what and where my hoses, transmission and coolant system are. i should know that stuff.

let me know if you need the demons over at your place so i can send them over when they’re done here.

namaste.

Peonies and The Escape that almost wasn’t…

We bought this bunch of Peonies yesterday at Trader Joes. All but one were tight buds when I put them in the vase and throughout the evening they each and every one opened their thousands of pale, frilly petals. It was like watching a time lapse film. Lovely and amazing. Peonies!

What a day. I almost sold my White Dragon, my Om Mobile, even though I am planning to get in it and drive off very soon I emptied it of all my belongings because someone who had already seen it once was coming back cash in hand. Someone who I know needs it as his home on wheels but was ultimately unable to hand over the cash! I don’t know what came over him but he was so conflicted and distressed and it was ultimately a relief when he said no and handed me back my keys and left in his rental car.

My gear has all been put back in and I am pretty much set to get in and drive off and I would if I didn’t have my sweet little man baby to take care of for the next few weeks. Much as I adore that face, those little legs that are learning to go faster and faster, those little butt cheeks (!) much as I’ll miss him, I have got to get out of town and breathe and be quiet and not have to do or be anything for anyone, not have to pick up the flotsam and jetsam left in every one’s wake, not have to do laundry and fold clothes and cook and and and… I feel selfish and guilty but I’m not letting it stop me because I also feel like if I don’t put the mask on myself first, I won’t be able to help anyone else with theirs.

It’s gotten to the point where I don’t quite know what to do when I have the occasional day to myself. They come rather suddenly and I’m not the most spontaneous person I know so I’m thrown.

I like plans.

Here I am with Mr Chips…

He’s teaching me about no plans. Just play.

He’s my guru.

namaste.

Reptile Visitations

I am feeling:

overwhelmed
angry
sad
lonely
put upon

I am none of these things.
They are, after all, only feelings. Flighty things that can come on like a fierce storm or

 creep in like a lizard…

This crocodile like creature showed up last night and hung around longer than I wanted and then quietly disappeared.

Just like those pesky feelings.

This morning I was walking the hills when I came upon a snake draped across my path and I thought what the what is with the reptile visitations? The snake would not budge no matter how many stones and curses I flung at it. It lay there looking at me, my heart racing, alone on that hillside.  I finally walked into the dry brush to walk around it. I made it out alive. Barely.

So it’s like that today.

Feelings and snakes.

They come they go. You can throw stones and curse if you want.

The santa anas are back after a very short break but it’s warm and the sky turned from white to blue and the little boy and I took a walk around the neighborhood…

we stopped to chat with a dad and his baby in front of this beautiful little cottage.
we passed this lonely looking bear in a store window.
we climbed a tree and ran and found stuff to put in our pockets and then little man started throwing rocks at me. his aim is true. he was shorn of his beautiful locks this weekend. it gives him a kind of dangerous look. 
then we came home and ate lunch and pet the dog and I pondered the fact that it is autumn on the other side of the world and that I am exactly in the middle of my life if I live to be 112 which I do believe is possible. My great grandmother lived to be 103 and she drank and smoked cigars. If I do live that long, I’ll take up drinking again and maybe cigars.
namaste

uncertainty

the other morning i was up and out the door at the crack of dawn to drive my daughter to work. on the way back i saw a young woman standing in front of a doorway holding a gold vase in her outstretched to the heavens arms, pouring something out onto the ground.

what ritual was i witnessing i wonder?

it was such a beautiful gesture, this offering. something so out of place, so…primal.
it was one of those moments where i have to ask myself, did i really just see that or hear that?
i don’t always believe what i see or think or hear. i am never completely certain of things.

This Moment
A neighbourhood.
At dusk.
Things are getting ready
to happen
out of sight.
Stars and moths.
And rinds slanting around fruit.
But not yet.
One tree is black. 
One window is yellow as butter.
A woman leans down to catch a child
who has run into her arms
this moment.
Stars rise.
Moths flutter.
Apples sweeten in the dark.
Eaven Boland

Mr Chips Learns to Kill Zombies

In case anyone is wondering what the Tearful Dishwasher has been up to lately…
By the way….
I’m still struggling with this whole Reader thing. I have now started using The Old Reader, which isn’t the old Google Reader but something else entirely but very much like the soon to be gone Google Reader. I’m an old dog learning new tricks! It can be done though it does hurt a little bit.
Also I am still not receiving any comments via email. FFS blogger! WTW? 
I have a few precious alone time hours, a rare thing these days and therefore a little stressful. How to fill everything I want and need to do in such a short amount of time?  It’s so ridiculous it’s almost funny and therefore I’m going to take a nap.
Namaste.

or
Paymaster
Napster
Namesake
Master.

Thank you blogger spell check but I will stick with Namaste.